


It Was A Graveyard Smash

by sweetpiquillo



Category: Big Mouth (Cartoon)
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/M, First Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, High School, High School Bullshit Classes, Idiots in Love, Theater Kids, Unrequited Love, bonding through insults, disney's classic film The Brave Little Toaster, emotionally repressed teenagers, film analysis?, owl pellet dissection, quite a few weird animals actually, raccoon domestication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-09-25 23:27:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17130710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetpiquillo/pseuds/sweetpiquillo
Summary: What happens at the Birch's house party, stays at the Birch's house party.Or: one bottle of Jack, two vegetarian pizzas, and a frankly disturbing amount of horror movies turn Judd's friendship with his partner in crime into something much more electric.





	1. I'll Be There - Jackson Five

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have a lot of first-hand experience with 1) owl pellet dissection and 2) dealing with mobs of theatre kids. Everything else is kind of up in the air.
> 
> So, enjoy this little story about two idiots falling in love on the spookiest day of the year. As always, I am fueled by comments and feedback, even if it's just a paragraph-long keysmash. Happy Halloween!

"I can't believe you're enjoying this." Judd Birch, usually stone-cold cool, was looking at me with a mixture of fear and astonishment in his eyes.

I pulled another upper leg bone away from the owl pellet we were dissecting for our biology class. "And I can't believe you're not." I nudged him with my elbow. "The guy who puts skulls on every material item he owns, creeped out by actual skeletons? Wack."

Judd rolled his eyes with a grin and pushed his hand against my shoulder. "Oh, get over yourself, Glaser."

I looked up from our partially assembled vole skeleton and pointed the tweezers in his face. "I hope you know that you're the worst lab partner on the planet."

"Proudly." He lightly kicked me in the foot. "If you really want to get competitive though, we can always compare test scores."

I laughed. "I'd really rather not. Your ego doesn't need any more inflation."

I placed a now-clean skull at the top of the skeleton sheet. "At least get a picture of my handiwork for this godforsaken lab report we're gonna have to type up."

"Excuse me - your handiwork? When I was the one who had to help you distinguish between a rib and a pelvic bone?" He feigned offense, but pulled out his phone and took a picture. "You know I'm a far superior photographer anyway."

"Oh, sure."

Across the table from us, Maxwell and Trisha were excitedly talking about some theater kid party.

I nudged Judd. "You know anything about this?"

"Oh shit." He ran a hand through his hair, a flash of panic in his eyes. "I forgot to pick up drinks for Leah."

"She's finally fulfilling her dream of throwing the perfect high school party?"

"Oh, she wishes." Judd grinned wickedly. "She wants champagne, but I told her to just mix sparkling water into the punch."

"Clever."

"You have a plug for cheap beer?"

I smiled and looked back down at the skeleton, continuing to work. "Yeah."

"Who? Alex? Gabrielle?"

I waved a gloved hand at him. "I'm not gonna support the underage drinking habits of theater kids, Judd. They're annoying enough as is."

"Boo, you asshole." He leaned back in his chair to talk to Alex.

"Come on, you know you love me."

Even though I was trying to put my full focus on the dissection, it was very distracting having Judd so close to me. It was just a matter of personal space, that's all. I mean, usually we were seated a few inches apart. on our respective sides of our shared table, but for labs we always ended up angling our chairs together and sometimes his leg or his arm would be brushing against mine and I could see his hair falling in front of his eyes and now as he was leaning back his black shirt rode up just a bit so there was the slightest visible strip of his skin and -

No. I needed to focus on the lab.

Judd leaned forward in his chair, shaking me out of my reverie.

"Sorry, what?"

"You should come over tonight." Even though his posture was still nonchalant, there was something earnest in his voice.

I pulled matted fur off of a lower leg bone. "And spend my Friday with a bunch of underclassmen singing show tunes? Hard pass."

Judd rolled his eyes. "You know I wouldn't do that to you, Glaser. Come on, let's do that horror movie marathon you always talked about doing."

Taking the scalpel out of my grasp and pointing it at me with mock seriousness, he said, "Because I know you're going to spend all of actual Halloween holed up in the public library sending in your college applications, so this is our last thematic weekend to knock it out. Plus, we get to mess with a bunch of superstitious theater kids."

That did sound significantly better than hanging around the house with my dad while my mom and my sister did their shift at family counseling. 

I relented. "I'm in."

Judd's eyes lit up from their usual half-hooded state. "Come over at 6?"

"Yeah, let's wreak a little havoc." I couldn't help but smile. "I'll be there."


	2. This Guy's In Love With You - Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> revised to make these pining idiots even more pining and even bigger idiots.

"Hey, hey, hey-" I called to Judd, trying not to spill my tray of cafeteria food. "Where are you going?" 

Judd turned around, sandwich in one hand and a Coke in the other, from where he had been headed to the cafeteria's side exit - away from our usual table.

He poked a thumb over his shoulder, walking backwards. "Gotta pick up the booze from the parking lot." He grinned. "What, Glaser, you gonna miss me?"

I rolled my eyes with a smile. "Not a chance."

He fist-bumped me with the can of coke, glanced around to make sure the security guards weren't looking, and ducked out the door.

When I wove my way through the mass of students, lunchtray in hand, Andrea was there at our table, with a smug grin.

"I saw that."

"Saw what?" I tried to ignore the heat rising in my cheeks.

"All of that sweet, sweet _pining_ ." She stabbed at her salad. "The amount of sexual tension in that fist-bump was _galactic_."

"You-" I glanced over to where Judd had been. "How...you saw that from all the way over here?"

"Eagle eyes, baby." She shrugged. "Anyways. When are you gonna make a move?"

I sputtered. "A move? Me? A _move_?"

"Oh, so you're just gonna suffer here in silence for the rest of the year?" She raised her eyebrows. "Couldn't be me."

"Um. Actually, it _could_ be you, because as I recall, _you're_ the one who took three months to ask her girlfriend out, asking me for _my_ help the entire time, and-"

She cut me off with the wave of her hand. "Hang on, you just reminded me of something." She pulled her phone out of her back pocket.

I slumped down into my chair. "Andrea…"

"You're so nice when you're in denial."

"I am _not_ in denial."

"Say that to all these texts you sent me last week during first hour." She shone the damning evidence in my face.

_fuck dude judd looks MAD cute today im not gonna last the week!!!_

_his hair's growing out and its curling in little ringlets around his ears i cannot DEAL_

_ughhhhhhhhhhhhghhghghghghghhh_

_maybe i'll just die so i dont have to see his dumb stupid smile first thing every day_

_rescue me from this hell_

Andrea now had a full-grown, self-satisfied smirk. "As you can see, several points were made." She plowed on before I could even respond. "And may I just add:" She pulled up another set of screenshots. "These are messages that I sent _you_ about Zari just last year. See the similarities?"

She had put the entire presentation together in Google Slides.

I swiped the phone from her hand and pressed it facedown on the table. "I can't believe you're treating my love life like one of your research projects."

"I had no _choice_ , Cam. Where anecdotal arguments fail, scientific facts and figures must be brought in."

"Oh, fuck off on back to AP Physics," I said with a smile.

"Gladly." She plucked a french fry off my tray.

I hadn't been planning on telling her about the movie night maybe-date almost-date, but she looked so _eager_ and _happy_ and -

"...there _is_ one new development."

She shot up like a bloodhound, eyes going wide. "And you didn't think to _lead_ with that?"

"Well…" I dragged out my words, reveling in her frustration, "I might possibly definitely be going over to his house. Tonight. For a movie marathon."

Andrea actually _shrieked_.

I shrugged. "I think I want to order Domino's."

She placed her hands on my shoulders, looking intensely into my eyes with an almost maniacal smile.

"Cam. You have to make your move. Tonight."

"Tonight? Are you-"

"It has been months. Months! Of pining and texting and sexual tension and-" She paused to take a breath, dropping her voice down to a pointed whisper. "This is a _sign_."

For a second I was thrust into an imagined future, one where Judd looked at me like I looked at him, and I could finally figure out just exactly how soft his lips were, and we'd go on dates and it wouldn't be weird and we'd make a mess of his car, and-

"But he doesn't like me like that, so…"

Andrea laughed hysterically.

"That boy?" She was wiping tears from her eyes. "I have never seen a more lovestruck fool in my entire life. You too, Cam, don't think you're getting out of this. You two..." She paused with a finger on her lips. "You two have the personalities and attitudes of geriatric grandpas, but-"

"Hey!"

She gestured at my crossed arms. "Proving my point. Anyways. You two are grumpy old coots around everyone else, and then when you're together, you're a pair of grinning idiots. Cute grinning idiots."

"Judd's just _like_ that, come on - his little tough guy act isn't fooling anybody." 

"Oh absolutely - all the brooding frowns, dark colors, piercings-"

"-skulls,"

Andrea threw her hands up. "Of course, can't forget the skulls-"

I grinned. "He's such a poser - did you know he's afraid of actual skeletons?"

"Oh, that's _perfect_."

"Right? We did owl pellets in second hour and I swear, when I pulled out the first leg bone I could see the blood instantly drain from his face. Genuine fear."

"Exactly."

"But everyone knows he's like that."

Andrea raised her eyebrows, disbelieving. "Let me ask you this: how often does Judd smile?"

"Oh man, all the time." A smile crept onto my own face. "Motherfucker lights up like a damn Christmas tree-"

"- but only when he's with you, right?"

Andrea was wearing a shit-eating grin.

"Nah, I mean, that's just the way he is, right?"

Andrea shook her head vigorously. "Only when he's with you. Like." She paused. "Like, I've had physics with him all year and I've never seen him even show the capacity of expressing an emotion."

"Well, that's because it's physics. No one's ever smiled in physics."

"Look. Okay." She waved her hands. "Let's discuss the way he talks to you."

I leaned back in my chair. "Oh, _this_ should be good."

"Don't mock me." She held up a hand. "Don't pretend like you haven't noticed - his voice gets all smooth and deep when he's talking to you. Swear the boy drops like two octaves down."

"Okay, that's just ridiculous-"

She dramatically cleared her throat, pitching her voice down to imitate. "Hey Glaser, you coming over this weekend? Hey Glaser, you want this extra concert ticket? Hey Glaser, you into me? Hey Glaser-"

It was, admittedly, a good impression. "Oh come _on_ -"

Andrea threw up her hands. "The boy's all over you! You two and your flirting: hands on the arms, heads on each other's shoulders-"

"We're just close-"

"Sure." She rolled her eyes with a smile. "And Zari and I, who act exactly the same way as you two fools do, are just gal pals."

I stuck out a finger. "That's extrapolation."

Andrea narrowed her eyes. "He asked you to the Winter Formal-"

"-so we could get the couples' discount!"

"You're always over at his place on the weekends-"

"-because he has a good taste in movies!"

"Last week in trig, Julia Sawyer asked me how long you two had been dating-"

"-are you really choosing now to start believing everything that Julia Sawyer says?"

"I'm just saying, you two grumpy old coots-"

"Hey! I am not grumpy-"

She raised her eyebrows. "You gave an English presentation about the superiority about black coffee. You go to sleep at 9:00. I've seen you legitimately tell some ten year old kids to get off your front lawn while wears honest-to-goodness loafers."

"For the last time, that was a _misunderstanding_ , and-"

She held up her hands. "I rest my case."

I restlessly stirred my now-lukewarm soup. This was too much information to take in. This was too much to handle. This was-

"Glaser!"

_Fuck._

Judd pulled out the chair next to me and collapsed into it, breathing hard.

"Welcome back, criminal." I nudged his shoulder, doing my best to ignore the way his legs had stretched out and how his foot was now touching mine.

"That's... _smooth_ criminal…to...you..." He managed to huff out, still out of breath. Andrea snickered.

"Classy. Where's your lunch?"

"Lunch?" He looked confused for a moment, before pressing a hand to his forehead. "Shit. Forgot it in my car."

"Ducking security?"

"Yeah. Had to go through the band hallway to get here." His hair was falling into his eyes.

"Man, that sucks," Andrea said unsympathetically, mouth full of food.

Judd groaned. "Thanks for all the love, you guys."

"Hey."

His foot leaned harder against mine as he turned in his chair. "Hey to you, too."

"I'll give you the rest of my fries if you pay for pizza tonight."

Andrea kicked my foot. _Giving him your last fry? Cute_ , she mouthed.

 _Technically, last_ _fries._

_Whatever._

"Jokes on you, Glaser." Judd leaned over to grab the tray, soft shirt brushing my arm. "I was gonna pay for pizza anyways." He flashed a grin.

Andrea kicked me again.

_This guy's in love with you._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Judd and Cam's love language is bad puns and cold fries, apparently. Nerds.
> 
> Also Andrea is definitely a Scorpio. Bless that funky little lesbian.
> 
> Thanks to everyone leaving sweet comments! I'd give you guys my last fries :)


	3. You've Got A Friend - Carole King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A brief flashback to how and when Cam and Judd first met. (featuring: bullshit English credit requirements, Judd's eyeliner phase, and Disney's classic film The Brave Little Toaster)

**Flashback: Freshman year, sixth hour (the last hour of the day).**

Film Analysis was supposed to be my blow-off class.

What, watch a movie or two every week and then turn in a half-assed paper about its three act structure every Friday? Piece of cake.

The teacher was the deadbeat track coach who supposedly didn't even take attendance half the time, and the makeup of the class seemed to be half stoners, half burned-out seniors desperate for that last, sweet, English credit.

Bridgeton's finest.

Off the advice of my older cousins, I'd checked it off first on my schedule request form, and there I was, sitting pretty in the back row, on my way to an easy A.

Or at least, that's how it was supposed to work out.

"...and that concludes my presentation on the color symbolism in Disney's classic film, the Brave Little Toaster."

Half-hearted applause. Most of the class had at least one earbud in. Mr. Connelly wasn't even looking up from his Sudoku.

"Any questions?" I added as an afterthought, already logging out of my account.

There weren't supposed to be questions. No one had ever asked one, save Zion Ashbridge on the first day asking if anime counted for our miniseries drama requirement.

(Spoiler alert: it didn't.)

Unfortunately for me, there was a lone hand up in the left corner of the classroom.

"Um. Yes?"

"Yeah, thanks-" A lanky guy with some extremely aggressive smudged eyeliner leaned forward in his seat. "I was just wondering - what's your take on the metaphorical symbolism within the film's premise as an allegory for gentrification, as well as the resulting urban sprawl-" He took a breath. "...and the loss of culture and identity that these forces perpetuate?"

I blinked at him.

He leaned back, crossing his arms with a self-satisfied smile.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that this word vomit had piqued Mr. Connelly's attention, and his focus was now firmly on me, Sudoku cast aside.

_Fuck._

I stumbled out a sentence or two about zoning laws and urban blight before ending with the cop-out "I'll get back to you on that."

Sulking back to my seat, I shot him a death glare, but he had returned to being thoroughly immersed in the book he was reading.

As the last bell rang, I scrambled towards the door, apprehending Pretentious Film Critic Guy before he could leave the room.

"Hey!" He tried to jerk his arm out of my grip. "What the hell, who-"

I cut him off. "What's your problem?"

"My problem? I-" He paused, recognition registering on his face. "My problem is that you very obviously didn't watch Disney's classic film, The Brave Little Toaster."

"Excuse me?" My head was spinning. "Look, asshole, this is supposed to be a blow-off class, in case you weren't aware, and I don't appreciate you-"

"-I mean, you couldn't even look up the synopsis on Wikipedia?" He shook his head. "You've gotta improve your bullshit game."

He wrenched his wrist out of my hand with a final twist. "Just trying to help."

I blocked the doorway. "Hey, I didn't call you out last week when you made that facetious presentation on the deeper meaning of the Pirates of the Caribbean, so-"

"Not my problem." He shrugged, attempting to side-step me.

I blocked him again, gritting my teeth. "You're infuriating."

"Nah, I'm Judd Birch." He stuck out a hand. "Nice to meet you."

I didn't shake it. "Hope you can take it as well as you give it, Birch."

Flipping him off, I turned on my heel and walked out of the classroom.

A week later, when it was Judd's turn up to present about the indirect commentary that nature documentaries provided about our wider society, I was there, waiting in the front-center seat, with a clipboard I'd snatched off of Connelly's desk.

Before Judd could even open his mouth, I had a hand up. "Could you comment on your choice of color scheme for this presentation, and how that reflects the subliminal messaging inherent within the dominant color schemes selected by the producers of these very same documentaries?"

It was Judd's turn to flounder, his ears turning a satisfying shade of red.

For the rest of the semester, we continued like this:

I'd present about the artistic integrity of live-action film remakes, and Judd would grill me (always from the back row) about the history of marketing and the economics of film production.

He'd present about the gender politics of Singin' In the Rain, and I'd shoot questions at him about the global musical industry beyond the limited scope of Hollywood.

It was actually kind of fun.

In the chaos of freshman year, it was nice to always end up in sixth hour, where Judd and I somehow started sitting next to each other, conducting a running commentary of film discussion from the back row, and sometimes walking out together to catch our buses, trying to get in the last word.

We pushed the limits of bullshit in that class.

We'd watch the same movie, or just read the Wikipedia page of the same movie, or just pull up the poster of the same movie, and present wildly different projects on the same topic, lambasting or glorifying the same made-up elements, waiting to see if anyone would catch on. (No one really cared enough. Connelly started tuning us out after what Judd now refers to as "The Jar-Jar Binks Incident")

Judd was bearable, when he wasn't being ridiculously self-righteous - and I found that I could deal with him in small doses.

Maybe even more?

Towards the end of the semester, I found out about a discount weekend at the local movie theater. They were playing every Disney princess movie ever made, and if you could make it through the entire sitting, you'd get three free tickets for the future.

There was only one person I knew who'd be committed enough to stay up for forty-eight hours on Sprite and popcorn.

And he was.

Turns out, blow-off classes are much more enjoyable when you've got a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We love bullshit film analysis and freshman year friendship and bonding!
> 
> Anyways, the party will really start in the next chapter, pun intended...
> 
> Until then, as always, I devour comments like a glitching Roomba devours the socks you leave on the floor.


End file.
